literally had 100 drinks last night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
