I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
