I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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