I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
