the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
