and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
