i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
