Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
