i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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