I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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