I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
