life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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