The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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