Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
