Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
