I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
