Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
