I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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