you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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