i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
