turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
