i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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