im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
