ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
