well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
