K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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