i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
