The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I am one with the molecules
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
