You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
