I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
