I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
