I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
