Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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