I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
