I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
