I cannot find my penis.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
