this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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