there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
