I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
