i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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