I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
