I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
