i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
