I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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