Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
