Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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