Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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