Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
