Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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