i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
FUCK WHALES
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
