Already got asked if we're dating
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
